I’m having a moment.
It’s one of those moments for me where it’s me, this laptop, a glass of wine and thoughts. So many thoughts. On this post I’ll be a real blogger – the O.G. kind (that’s original gangsta’ for those of you who don’t know.) The type of blogger who writes about their thoughts, or life happenings rather than dish out outfit pictures or home inspiration images that may leave you feeling less than.
Here’s the thing. None of us are immune to feeling like our life is a mess or less than. Me especially. When you blog and call it a “lifestyle blog” the expectation is sky high. Martha Stewart sky high. And you can see how it wound up for Martha – prison. Just throwing that out there. I get called “a lifestyle expert” which, pardon my French, is complete bulls&!t.
Truth? I’m struggling with whether I want to blog. And if I do continue, what I want from it. I go through this every six months or so. Blogging takes time. Like, real legit time. I work at this at least 30 hours a week. It takes money to pay for photographers, money for software programs to handle Search Engine Optimization, programs to help me edit and on and on it goes. It’s a time sucker, which I’m good with as long as it brings me fulfillment.
I’m a competitive person (can you tell? ha.) So sometimes the line gets blurred between fulfillment and darn it I must do this blog thing well or die trying. Healthy? Not so much.
My stomach is in knots and I feel nauseous. I actually take medication for anxiety. If you coax me enough in my comments I may actually share more about my issues with stress. I am an awful sleeper and have to work really hard to keep myself from losing it out of want to do better, be better, do more, give more, and then collapse because I didn’t do any of it as well as I expect of myself.
Sometimes I feel it’s all a sham. Sometimes I feel like “why?” for who am I doing all of this for? My neighborhood? My kids? My husband? For the internet? For companies? For who? I feel like I’m doing it for everyone, and not well.
If you feel like this, know you’re not alone.
Last week I took two days to organize my closets after giving a tour of my home to a friend. Why? Because the second I opened every closet you had to jump back because every one was stuffed so full it came spilling out. Why? Because I was so busy being a “lifestyle expert” that I had no time actually have a lifestyle.
That same week God entered and gave me more reason to hit “pause” on blogging for a nanosecond.
I hired a new interior designer recently. Her name is Abby (she’s fabulous and if you live in Atlanta you need to look her up.) When she came over last week she brought with her this book. I picked it up and have read over 1/4 of it and ever since have had so many thoughts go through my head. It’s a book all A-Type personalities should have. Maybe even on audiobook as we sit in traffic trying not to cry over what we didn’t get done, or rock ourselves to sleep at night thinking of where we failed that day.
I love this book. It’s eye opening, it’s soul searching and it’s calming all at once. I read it at 5am the other day for five minutes just to calm myself so that I could go back to sleep for 30 more minutes.
Today my son’s had their last baseball game, my daughter quietly enjoyed a book and I threw a dear friend a baby shower. It was a beautiful day. But guess what happened to me when it was over? I had a moment of “Shoot. I didn’t put any of this on Instagram.” Which then lead me to “I haven’t written back all these amazing people who comment on my photos” and on and on went the spiral of anxiety.
What good is fulfillment of a blog if it leaves you feeling less than?
Here’s the kicker. My sister texted me asking if I had sent my nephew his birthday present. I hadn’t. I felt awful. I’ve been so damn busy being “a lifestyle expert” that I didn’t even send my sweet nephew a birthday gift.
So guys. I have no pretty ending to this post other than to say – we all struggle to keep up. We all struggle to be better than we are. And when we do better, we compare and think it’s not enough. Not only that but so much of the “noise” can make us lose sight of actually living.
Tonight I’m going to post this blog, take ten deep breaths (likely into a paper bag) and remember that living slowly and conciously may not come easy to me. But taking every small step I can, even if it’s not posting an Instagram picture which seems stupid to you but important to me, is a step in the right direction.
Baby steps. My goal is to put my focus on actually have a lifestyle I can genuinely claim as my own. And maybe even say I’m an expert at. Because after all, mastering your own anxiety, own life, own happiness, own goals is truly one of the hardest thing a person can ever do. And working towards achieving that will earn you the title of “Lifestyle Expert.”
Goodnight, dear friends. Thank you, as always, for reading. Now buy this book. You won’t regret it 🙂
Like this rant? You’ll love reading about my journey through depression. It’s a super uplifting one, hahah!